At age 54, life hadnt turned out like it was supposed to. Angelo was a handsome, successful, Hispanic male. His pretty wife had given him both a son and a daughter. They lived in a lovely home. He was a pillar of his community. Why had he been going into a depression for the last three years? What was missing? What was wrong?
In truth, his petite, non-Hispanic wife was passive aggressive and would use every interaction with him to play the wounded victim. He of course was made out to be the persecutor. He had never wanted children and felt trapped in his responsibilities. He was stuck in his job because it served his life style needs. It owned him. He felt that his contemporaries had advanced further and succeeded to a higher degree. He felt he was losing his touch and becoming introverted instead of the charming, self-confident extrovert who was capable of working the room at any event. He was in a constant verbal battle with his 16 year old daughter. He had no idea how to relate to her, except to avoid her. So he avoided his wife, his daughter and his 19 year old son who was already away at school. He was becoming isolated, finding himself with a stranger across from the breakfast table with little or nothing in common.
Lack of self worth from years of practicing the fine art of putting oneself last; of making oneself responsible for others happiness, comfort, security, love, growth and safety had taken its toll. He was burned out from performing life; no longer being authentic. When was it his turn? When did he get to live based on his desires? Who would give permission to him? How old did he need to be? What circumstances or attitudes regarding his wife, children and job would have to be present to shift his life?
Communication with his wife had deteriorated to agenda conversations and a few grunted yeses and nos with some sniping comments thrown in. She didnt like living in the heat and wanted to move back to
Often we cant even remember what it was like to have that space and freedom, but we desperately need it. From such a vantage point, we get to re-experience ourselves. It feels strange at first, because we arent used to making decisions that dont involve how others will react. Simple freedoms happen. We can go to bed or get up at any time. We can stay out late without reporting in. We can turn TV and music on whenever it pleases us. Just think about all the things you would do if you were a-l-o-n-e. How long would it take for you to feel comfortable in your own skin? How much of your lifes actions, thoughts and feelings are determined by everyone else in your space? Is there a you there at all? This is what is missing in Angelos relationship and so many others.
Angelo isnt broken. Neither is his wife or his children. His parents, priests, associates and community had taught him that if he performed in a certain way, had the right house, the right job and the right attitudes, he would be happy. Everything would be fine. It wasnt true, but was it too late. He had no skills, no tools to shift a lifetime of responsibilities and teachings. He doesnt need to replay his problems in order to undo the teachings and fix himself. You can stop beating yourself up when you realize that you are not broken, but just responding to life based on all the input since birth which has been skewed through your own personal veil of fears. You are like a computer that has been programmed with faulty programming. You dont have to delete the programming or throw the computer away; you can simply install a new application. The old information can just sit there side by side with the new one and you get to choose which one to access.
So what is the new programming? Make a new choice. It is as simple as that. You get to choose which emotion you prefer to have. You have already been creating your life subconsciously based on your emotional states: frustration, anger, depression, fear, joy, excitement, enthusiasm, abandonment or boredom. You have simply been doing it unconsciously, letting yourself be overwhelmed by these feelings and your reactions to them. When you begin to wake up, you see that you can choose the feeling you prefer. You can choose the reactions you prefer. You will no longer be a puppet and victim of the triggers all around you. You begin to notice that as you decide consciously what emotion you prefer to feel, that your world begins to draw experiences to you that validate and reaffirm that feeling. For instance, as Angelo began feeling lack of self worth, he began to draw to replay tapes of how his friends had surpassed him in business. If he had felt good about his level of achievement, he would have played tapes to himself of people HE had surpassed.
A Chance to Talk
Just having a chance to express these nameless fears in a non-judgmental environment is a huge relief to many. Angelo had seen his sister achieve a sense of self and break away from the early faulty programming. She was now with a wonderful mate, happy and full of life. But she had alienated her family in the process. He didnt want to do it that way. For that matter, he wasnt even sure what it was. But something had to change. We discussed his creating change that was love based. Thus he would not feel the need to create separation defensively as his sister had done.
Angelo and I talked about getting focused and speaking telepathically, head to head, from his heart and soul, to the higher selves of his wife, daughter and son. This kind of connecting has extraordinary impact. It gets through. It is our ancient form of communication and our bodies still understand it. This kind of head talk is not agenda oriented. It is simply passionately telling a loved one of your fears, your desires, your needs and your preferences. It is not used to manipulate. It has no goal, no conditions, no ego, and no separation. It is an act of love, from your being to theirs.
It is best to achieve an altered and loving space before communicating this way. Its purpose is to communicate your hearts desire and your feelings. Obviously there can be no arguing, no backlash and no game playing. This is about you, not your mate. You are revealing the intimate you in your head talk. Achieving this loving space is really quite easy. It begins with choosing to do it. Raise your vibrations by reading an uplifting book, listen to music that stirs your soul, meditate, pray or recall loving experiences and their accompanying feelings. Then speak from your heart.
We all make mistakes in life, but any mistake is merely a step. Will you take the next step into conscious choice and shift your attitude, perspective and emotions? All of life is about choosing. We go down wrong paths in our lives, usually unknowingly. Realizing we are not happy, we get to consciously choose again. There are tools out there to change your direction in the vibration of grace and ease. We do not have to do upheaval, create chaos or illness. Depression is only one choice. Joy is another. Find the tools that work for you. Begin making conscious decisions about feelings. Practice being happy 17 seconds at a time, then 2 minutes at a time. Do this several times a day and your seemingly wrong path will change miraculously. You will have been the magician. The magic pill of anti-depression is within you.
Your choices about which emotion you will focus on will lead you out of depression or further into it. You decide. You are the miracle worker in your life. You are far more powerful than you know.
Joy is always an option!
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